Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
