i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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