There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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