Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
