why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
