Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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