FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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