Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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