No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
