Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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