youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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