Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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