R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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