Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
MIDGETS
????
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
