i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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