if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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