I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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