I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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