There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
