Don't make out with my wife yet
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
