3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
