I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
