please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
