then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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