I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
