I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
