I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
