Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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