I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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