just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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