Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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