Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
