I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
