I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
