Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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