But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
