I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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