I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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