My Higher Power is John Stamos
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
