Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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