Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
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