I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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