I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
