i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
