Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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