So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
