all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
