new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
