I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
