i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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